Entry 1: Holy shit what a month

Well, fuck, this was a wild start to 2024 for me!
I had my first stay in a mental hospital in January. It was a lot of things, and I'm still working through a lot of it. Overall good outlook on life, but damn. Damn. It was stressful in many ways I didn't expect. For one, it was limited privacy. That was hard for me. It was grating on my nerves having to be constantly exposed to other people's noise. Bedrooms were locked from 9am-3pm so we would primarily spend time in one of the two Dayrooms. The woman handling my intake, graciously, gave me a word search book that I didn't let go of the entire time I was there haha. It was a bit mind numbing, which was good for me. But everybody hated being forced to spend time with one another for >6 hours a day outside of meal time.
The food was... well, it was hospital food. Solid 6/10, I think the cooks did alright with what they were meant to cook. Not a lot of flavor but, ah, what are you gonna do? I won't be eating orange slices for a while, I can say that much. They did have Cholula packets that I used on chicken taco night, which was a breath of fresh air that I sorely needed.
I figured that everybody would be at a different space than me because we were all on L2Ks in our wing, but it was difficult for me to avoid reacting with strong emotions when others were being very emotional or having anger outbursts. There were some fights when I was there, but I didn't care too much about that. It was more me trying to have productive conversations, which meant putting aside my initial reactions to ground myself in the conversation, while also not silencing my own voice for the sake of confrontation avoidance. It was new, and it was frustrating. Most of the people there were respectful, and others were just in their own space, and hurt too. I've been thinking idly about how I'm able to come back because of the nature of my problems, while others don't or can't have that luxury. I would hate to be there for weeks on end. We barely had more than an hour a day outside. I want to write a letter to a patient there who I heard should still be there until mid-February. We hung out a lot, I can't even explain why but I felt like we got close. I don't meet a lot of autistic people that I'm compatible with. They were... well, they had some opinions and beliefs that I didn't agree with and I didn't like, but they were a nice person and didn't harm other people with their opinions, even though some internet people might disagree. I would be lying if I said that I don't feel a need to correct them, or to teach them different, but it's 1) a difficult issue that I am not equipped to handle, and 2) not my job or responsibility in any way. They were into the Wu Tang Clan, and it's been a while since I've listened to their music, so I may listen to a few songs and write to them what I think.
But anyways! Focusing on me. That's what I vowed to do moving forward, because I have never done that and you know what, I fucking deserve it. Not focusing on myself is what put me in that place to begin with, and so I'm trying something new and seeing where it takes me. The worst thing is that I have to... change my behavior to match my new mindset 🤮 NO I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!!!
Okay so I literally do want to do that, but I know that it's going to be hard and I aauauugughuughuhuhhhh!!!!!!!!! Being suicidal is so much easier because you don't have to think about anything! But... ugh. I'm ready. Ready to start a hard journey. For me, this time.
I'm still getting used to being independent again, it's weird. I'm taking it one step at a time. We'll get there! :)

Sign off. Listening to: some stupid jazz video since I'm writing this at work lol [https://youtu.be/Xc-78LSYzDk] thinking about him... 🐀